ARE YOU A MARTHA OR AN ERMA?

MARTHA STEWART TO ERMA BOMBECK:

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in blues and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it. I made the white horse from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.

Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made centerpieces for my table. I then made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I am wearing for breakfast.

I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long - I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement (guests include the President's wife and the Vice President's wife) at noon. It's a very good thing.

Love, Martha

P.S. When I made the ribbon for the typewriter, I used l/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

RESPONSE FROM ERMA BOMBECK:

Dear Martha,

I'm writing on the back of an old shopping list using my daughter's crayon (never can find a pen or pencil when you need one), pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. Coffee and jelly weren't homemade but boy they were finger-lickin-good. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school. I'm packing a lunch with one hand while I write with the other. Oh me! The dog pound just called and seems ole' Ledbetter (our hound) needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron last night when I was trying to make those cutsie curly fries. Tasted pretty good. We ate them with a spoon cause they were a little mushy (cause the grease wasn't hot enough.) You ort to try it sometime.

Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor....trashed the idea, didn't work. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after defrosting them in the microwave. Pretty good after we had to wait 20 minutes to let them cool.

Oh, and don't use Fruitty Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe you gave me, unless you happen to like the disgusting shade of baby pooh.

The smoke alarm is going off, guess I had better run, talk to ya later.

Love, Erma

P.S. I tried making a sled, didn't have a barn. I did get some wood though. I took some planks from the work shed out back (made it lean to the left a little.)

I didn't have a glue gun but used Elmer's. Did you know Elmer's on wood takes 4 weeks to dry and harden. Tried her out and didn't do so well. Oh well, guess I will try her out when it snows maybe it will work better.

Well I don't know about you but I am an Erma. There are times when I have a little Martha wanting to come out in me but old Erma just won't let her out.